In this article I will expose four secret, more granular tactics that intentionally toxic, narcissistic people use to beat you down in the long game.
I use the term ‘long game’ because with these people, everything they do when it comes to their target, is part of an active game they are playing and have been playing from the very start of your relationship. So if you have been in a relationship for 10 years, they have a 10 year playbook on you. Nothing is genuine. It is all tactical.
Being in a relationship with a toxic or narcissistic person, whether it is a friend, family member or coworker, can be devastating to you over time.
If you have been the right type of person for one toxic or narcissistic person to latch onto, attach to your world and become like a cancerous tumor in your life, then there are more than likely, others already in or hovering around your life looking to do the same because they have specific criteria they are looking for in their targets that you might possess.
Often, toxics appear to treat the majority of others great but if you are the target, you get a completely different treatment from toxic, narcissistic people than non-targets.
Number one…A toxic person likely fantasizes about the moments when they will be able to hurt you, shock you or crush your spirit, so the tactics they use are very important to them.
The fun is in the details of exactly how they make it happen. One way they can have more control of this is to introduce you to a specific method so that you will recognize it when they use it on you.
The way they might bring this to your attention is to tell you that someone else used this method on them.
The toxic person might tell you, ‘When I was dating John Doe, he used to say things under his breath at parties so that no one but me could hear it and to everyone there it would look like I was suddenly getting upset for no reason’.
You may not have noticed it right away, but looking back to the moment the toxic person told you that story, they may have immediately begun to do the same exact thing to you.
It may be true that John Doe used the method on the toxic person and this person adopted it because it worked on them so well. Or maybe John Doe was doing it back to your toxic person because they were using on him.
Either way, your toxic person got the confirmation that it is a useful tactic and they wanted to condition you to be susceptible to it.
In the past, as an empathetic, forgiving person, you may have completely missed it, or let it roll off your back and never thought of it again but keep in mind that it is those very characteristics that toxics are often trying to steal from you so that you will be miserable like they are.
Number two…Instead of the backwards compliment which is far too obvious, they found a more subtle yet more ‘in your face’ way to do this.
They might share a vulnerability with you about how they are so upset that they have such big front teeth, for example. They will show you a picture of themselves in which their teeth are accentuated and look bigger than they really are and tell you how awful they look, and may draw some insulting comparisons of who or what they think they look like because of it.
In real life however, they may not really have very big front teeth at all, but in fact, you know that they know, that everybody knows it is you who has always had bigger than usual front teeth.
You may actually like your larger front teeth and know that they are part of what makes you look beautiful. But that is the point. They want to change the way you see yourself. They want you to stop embracing the things you love about yourself.
Number three…They will gain your trust so that they can be your ‘interpreter’ of what everyone else says and therefore eventually affect and/or control all of your relationships.
The toxic person might tell you that a mutual acquaintance said that they think there is, ‘something strange going on with you’. Of course, your first question might be, ‘What is that supposed to mean?’, Which then opens up the door for the toxic person to give an interpretation.
They might say something like ‘I think what they were really trying to say is that you probably slept with your boss to get your promotion’. So now they have suggested that a far more in depth conversation took place and also suggested what the subject matter was, without ever admitting what exactly was said.
By saying quote, I think what they were trying to say, unquote, the toxic person is insinuating that there were nuances that were picked up on during their conversation that the words alone would not clearly express. You had to be there to get it.
You may ask and most likely would ask, what exactly was said but the toxic person will skirt the actual conversation and keep it vague, like ‘trust me, that had to be what they meant’.
Toxic people who are experienced, are very competent in choosing what tactic to use in which situations. When they use this tactic they will most certainly use it in a case where they know that you trust them more than the person they are interpreting for you.
Number Four…They might share something they say they have done and feel so ashamed of. I heard people suggest that in this case the toxic person is likely trying to get you to admit to something you have done that you are ashamed of.
It may be in some cases but listen very closely to the toxics, because it may be something completely different that they are trying to accomplish. Toxic people are just so much damn work!
The toxic person might tell you how ashamed they are for having forwarded a personal email they had received from a co-worker/friend that contained very embarrassing and personal information to all of the other coworkers in their office.
When asked why they would do such a thing, the toxic person might just say ‘I just felt like it’ or ‘I was mad at them’ or ‘I don’t know’.
Toxic people’s targets are usually great confidantes. If the toxic shares it like a confession, they believe you will keep it secret out of respect.
This will put you on eggshells because they will be drawing a picture of their own possibly vicious, unpredictability for you alone. Meanwhile they will still be able to maintain a persona of consistency and stability for everyone else. They are basically telling you ‘look what I am capable of. You better watch out!”
While I believe that toxic, narcissistic people still deserve our prayers and well wishes, if you have been victimized by them, it may be best to do it from a distance while you heal yourself and get yourself into a rut free state of mind.